I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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