He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
