i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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