I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
