Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
