Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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