So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
