if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She said her name was "party"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My bed smells like the plague
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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