She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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