i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
