Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
