based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
