So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
