I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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