Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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