I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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