These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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