my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
