I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize