so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
