Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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