I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
