I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
