so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
