Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
