I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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