Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
