This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize