i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who died my cat blue again?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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