hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
