i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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