I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
