I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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