Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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