An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
