census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
