We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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