So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
