she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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