My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
