You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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