I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
