Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
