my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
