some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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