all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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