I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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