Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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