I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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