We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
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