I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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