high people should be assigned attendants
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
