Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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