the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
