Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
