i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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