happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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