'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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