he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
