the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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