You can't special order awesome
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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